so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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