There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
NoShamevember. You game?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
