saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
