i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
