found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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