He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
