Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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