i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
