i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
