Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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