I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
