She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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