theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
