giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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