i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My liver just broke up with me...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
