got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
