11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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