A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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