I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
