im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
that's an acceptable place to lick
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
