fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
