So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
