Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
