You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
