I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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