Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think im going to throw up on grandma
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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