i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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