Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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