Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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