I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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