areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
