It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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