That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
