**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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