so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
