End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
