She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
