I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
