yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
