we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
