I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
