Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
