seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just google imaged poop.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
