At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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