OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
