R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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