Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
