Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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