apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
