Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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