Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
