when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
